Makeover #2 EMERGENCY MEDICINE PERSONAL STATEMENT - Part III (Page 1 | Page 2 | Page 3)

AFTER (Revised)- Normal Sinus Rhythm and Strong Pulse!

I can clearly remember the experience that sparked my interest in emergency medicine.During the summer following my college graduation I led a six week cross country bus trip for 50 high school students with 4 other college students. As a staff we quickly learned to work well together playing to each others strengths and minimizing our weaknesses. Due to my interest in medicine I was appointed the counselor in charge of all of the campers’ medical issues. I quickly discovered that many of their symptoms were not due to pathology; instead these students simply desired some extra attention from their friends or counselor. I realized just a few minutes of time and genuine concern can often make a significant difference to the patient. The challenging part became discerning those who needed to be seen by a doctor from the others. [Excellent intro, moves into position much faster, without losing any necessary details]

With 50 active high school students who naturally played too much and slept too little, I made numerous trips to emergency departments across the country and was continuously impressed by the doctors and other medical staff with whom I interacted. They handled many different situations simultaneously yet still managed to make me feel that my student was being taken care of well. The physicians in the various emergency departments all displayed leadership ability in the way they managed their patients and also in the manner they directed the rest of the emergency staff. All of the staff members of the emergency department clearly worked together as a team in the delivery of health care. This is what spurred my original interest in emergency medicine.

After this experience, emergency medicine became the specialty to which I compared all others during my third year. I encountered parts of every specialty which I enjoyed but there was not a single one I envisioned myself practicing exclusively. I want to have a career which encompasses many parts of medical practice. After my first few shifts in the emergency department I knew emergency medicine was the specialty I wanted to pursue. It was by far the most enjoyable and interesting rotation I had during medical school. [Good, now leading into more details about what the applicant loves about ER Medicine]

The challenge of the undifferentiated patient is a primary part of my interest in emergency medicine. There is a thrill in making a life saving diagnosis in a patient. One patient of mine presented with a chief complaint of headache. With further history he also noted some recent diarrhea. As part of my workup the patient was found to have occult blood in his stool. He had become anemic due to his GI bleed which caused his headache. He was admitted to the hospital for treatment and subsequently improved after treatment and workup. This patient exemplies ER medicine to me, a seemingly ordinary chief complaint with a diagnosis from the benign to the life-threatening. I also enjoy the opportunity to make diagnoses and perform procedures. I want to be a physician who feels comfortable handling any situation that may roll though the door. Every patient presents a new problem and question; no two are the same. This diversity is part of what excites me about emergency medicine. [This paragraph now really gives a sense of the applicant's love and dedication to the field. This paragraph could only be added after the intro was shortened]

During my undergraduate years and throughout my medical school education I sought opportunities to give back to my university and community for the education it has provided me. These endeavors helped shape my abilities to interact with patients and colleagues. Additionally, these experiences helped me hone my capabilities as a leader. Through these activities I realized both the added joy and sometimes challenge of accomplishing goals as a part of a team.

While treating patients in an emergency department is in its own right a necessary service in any community, I hope my connection to my community will go beyond the hospital. The structure of emergency medicine practice will allow me time for involvement outside of the emergency department itself. I see myself using this time to guide my group in private practice or to perhaps try to affect policy change at higher governmental levels. I would like to pursue some post residency training to prepare me for either practice management or heath policy involvement. I look forward to joining an emergency department team as a resident where I am able to advance my training in both emergency medicine and leadership. [Great conclusion that emphasizes teamwork, as well as illustrating some ideas the applicant has for career goals as well]

[This essay has dramatically improved. The writer knows that everything written must have a purpose. Each statement must add weight to the residency candidate's application. By cutting the fat on the bloated introduction, the applicant was able to much more clearly state his reasons for choosing Emergency Medicine as a career, adding definition to the essay.]